Anxiety About the Future (A Short Letter)

Dear Friends,

For those who don’t know, Jazmin and I are planning on going to Ireland next year for our masters degrees. While this will make next year more expensive than probably any year of our marriage, we are hoping that we don’t have to pay it all on our own. Once we really started to settle in about two weeks ago, I began to do research on possible scholarship opportunities to help us pay– scholarships that would keep us from getting into too much debt. 

The first due date is October 11th and is for none other than a Fulbright grant. Literally, one. It could pay for almost our entire remaining costs and goes specifically toward my school of University College Dublin, but there is only one. One. 

That makes me extremely stressed as I have been working over these last two weeks and will continue working until the deadline on my application for it, but there are a lot of times I have to wonder: am I even good enough to try? The odds are distinctly not in my favor as the English speaking countries get more applications than those who don’t speak English and, again, there is only one. 

With depression and anxiety that I battle anyway, I end up staring deadpan at my tablet for a long time believing the answer to that question is no; that if I try and fail, then I am a failure. I would have failed at securing enough financing to keep Jazmin and I away from taking private (and therefore expensive) loans. It’s hard to remind myself that if i don’t try, i automatically fail. And this is one of the reasons that people who suffer like I suffer have energy issues: it’s exhausting to fight your own head for every step. Half of me has the real understanding of what needs to be done and has hope it might come to fruition. The other half is the quiet voice that drops in when I’m weakest and just says, “Who are you kidding?”

It is also hard to know that one of my closest friends is suffering with this particularly bad right now and I’m too far away to do anything. 

So, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I try my hardest to get through this process; please pray for my friend. I’m spending most of this week working on my Fulbright application, so please forgive this post for being shorter than usual. 

Best wishes,

Blake

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